We had a lovely day today, I drove mamacita linda and the kids around the Puray lagoon near Chinchero and then on to Urubamba for lunch. We love to get out of the city on weekends, the kids enjoy the countryside, the views are spectacular and frankly the best food in Cusco isn’t in Cusco, you find it in the country style restaurants “quinta campestre” outside Cusco.

Sunday mornings are always a bit of a rush when we want to go out to the country. Have to walk the dog, get the car out of its garage, get the kids ready, and so on. Our middle child wakes up early with us so I take her with me to pick up the car, she loves to ride in the car with papucho. By the way, did I tell you there’s a middle child now? Things are crazy around here with 3 little munchkins.

But I was going to tell you about being self conscious. When I cranked up the car this morning a Madonna song was on the radio. Now I’m not a fan per se but at that particular time and place I wasn’t out to intently listen to one of my favorite pieces of music, a mindless pop song was just fine for the middle child and me.

In my morning rush I had walked 5 blocks to the garage dressed in my pijamas, boots and a baseball cap. I carried my daughter on my shoulders, dodging low hanging tree limbs along the way. Then we rolled down the windows, cranked up the volume and rocked out to a Madonna song like there was no tomorrow. And no, I can’t hold a tune.

I’m belting out Madonna in my PJs, playing air-drums on the dashboard and in passing I thought, “I used to be self conscious.”

Very much so.

Many years ago I was very self conscious. There isn’t any one particular moment that I would say “I got over it” but I remember going through a bit of a hard time personally and professionally in my twenties and thinking “this isn’t supposed to happen to me“. I’m not rich or famous but in the big picture I was definitely born into a good life, a white kid from a “good family”, in a “good part of town”. Despite that I was very self conscious as a teenager and young adult.

Getting older and having kids changed me completely but long before that, when I was going through these hard times, at first I didn’t want anyone to know. I was embarrassed. I eventually realized everyone has their ups and downs, what defines you is how you deal with it. I slowly quit worrying about what people might think, I got busy pulling myself up by my proverbial bootstraps. I found strength in those days from a few people I was close to but also from some I only knew in passing.

Nowadays when our kids have an event in their school and the teachers need someone to make a fool out of, I don’t think they even ask anyone other than me. No matter how silly they know it’s all fair game with me. People who haven’t known me for 20+ years wouldn’t believe there was a time I used to be self conscious. Sometimes our thoughts dictate too much of our lives. Thankfully, I got over it.